Things have not been going well for me lately. Hell, for all I know, any readers have given up and I'm just talking to myself these days.
My shrink seems to think the depression is in partial remission. Sure as hell doesn't feel like it from where I sit. All he sees is a snapshot in time, 15 or 20 minutes every month or two, and more often than not, the camouflage is in place. And yes, I know I need to drop the facade with my shrink, but keeping it in place is a 35 year-old habit. It took me two years to be able to drop it with my therapist, and I know him a whole lot better than I know the doc. Don't get me wrong, I like my shrink, but he's more . . . reserved. I'm not saying he's cold or unfriendly by any means, it's just that I find it hard to open up to someone about whom I know essentially nothing, and who has the ability to force me into situations I may not like. (As in, if he misinterprets something I say, I could well find myself on the psych ward with a 72-hour observational hold. I'd just as soon avoid that possibility, thankyouverymuch.)
So what has me so out of sorts at present? Last year, after several discussions with the owner, I was led to believe that when a certain department managership opened up in the company, it would be mine. Yesterday morning, that position came open unexpectedly - and was immediately given to someone else.
Athos* says I should confront the owner and find out why things happened as they did. I don't see any point to it. The owner knew damned well that I wanted the job - and had been waiting for it to become available since early last summer - and bypassed me for it without a word. Had he had the decency to take me aside and say "look, here's the deal..." I would have been okay with it. Not necessarily happy, but okay. I understand that circumstances can change and that the needs of the business come first. But no. That's not what he did, even after the fact. So I'm left feeling betrayed, and more than a little used. The promise of the job was the main reason I hadn't turned in my notice quite awhile ago.
I guess that if I look at the situation realistically, I probably never really had a shot at the job, no matter what I was led to believe. There are three other managers (two of whom who would have been on the same level as me) who could and would do anything they could to block my promotion. I've had run-ins with two of the three after they tried to make me their bitch, and I wouldn't grovel and kiss their asses. I'm not interested playing the I-suck-up-to-you-and-you-help-me-get-ahead game at this point in my life. What's the point, especially when you know you're dealing with people who only deal fairly those within their little clique? But because I wouldn't play, they're making damn sure I pay for it. Those three have their hooks so far into the owner, it's not even funny. He may sign the checks, but nothing happens without their say-so. The last time one of the full-time employees resigned (she and her husband were moving out of state), they were publicly crowing about being able to bring one of their friends into the company to replace her, others need not apply. Need I say that their friend has now been given the job I was promised? The Bitchy Estrogen Brigade scores again....
Now I have a decision to make. Do I play the responsible adult and stay until I find employment elsewhere, at which point I give my current employer the standard two-weeks' notice? Or do I follow my gut-level instincts and call in a f*ck you, I'm done! mail me my final paycheck resignation?
I'm tempted to go see if I could get a job with the competition, just as an up yours. But my immediate supervisor (the Number Two person in the company) might take it as an insult, and I don't have anything against him. He's a decent guy, pretty laid back. As long as the necessary work gets done, he doesn't breathe down anyone's neck, just lays out what needs to be accomplished and lets his people take it from there.
Actually, there's a much larger company elsewhere I would much prefer to work for than the competition, but the commute would take a bite out of my take-home pay even at the current gas prices. If gasoline goes back up to $4/gal. - and it's bound to at some point - I wouldn't be able to afford the commute without either a significant raise or a longer work day.
But enough of that. Now I need to go decide whether to properly file the accumulation of papers on my desk here at home, or just dump the pile in the backyard and set fire to it, tax receipts and all. Feel free to place bets among yourselves as to whether or not the responsible adult will win out over today's aw, f*ck it, who cares anyway? mood.
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*He didn't exactly help last night. Instead of holding me so I could have a good cry and get some of the hurt and anger out of my system, and then - and only then - be able to discuss possible solutions a little more rationally, he went immediately into problem-solving mode yet again and started telling me what I should do about the situation. Did I ask for an opinion? Did I ask for solutions to be thrown at me? NO. If I wanted that, I would have gone straight to my therapist. So I'm left thinking that I should have called him instead of trying to get a little emotional support from my husband, at least my therapist listens and catches what's underneath the words before offering advice!
Guys, when your lady is upset and feels that she's been betrayed, rejected, lied to, and/or marginalized, getting angry and yelling at her if she's not ready to hear your opinion right at that moment DOES NOT HELP. Instead, JUST. F*CKING. LISTEN. for a change! If you don't, and she's a little cool for awhile, it probably means she's now feeling like you've let her down too....
6 comments:
I'll just say sorry things are going poorly and I hope they turn around soon. More to follow when you are up for it again - take your time miss & take care of yourself.
Thanks, Sean, I appreciate it. It's good folks like you & your sweet wife who keep me going some days....
Ah, you have one like that, too, huh? I thought my husband was the only one who yelled at me when I'm down.
They're men, honey. They're built without the part of the brain that makes them able to just listen; they feel like they always have to fix stuff. It's not really their faults, it's their genetic makeup.
However, I would have thought that over the years they could have learned that sometimes it's appropriate to shut up and just make symapthetic noises.
Apparently they're slow learners, too.
Weird thing is, NM, he usually doesn't yell at me. Tune me out, yeah, but not yell. I guess his stress level was a little high that day, too....
And I think you're right, they always have to fix stuff, even when they know they can't and shouldn't even try.
"Apparently they're slow learners, too."
*snerk* The broken X-chromosome strikes again!
What a raw deal. If someone takes me aside and explains things I'm like you, it goes down better. But just blowing you off after telling you it was yours? Total b.s.
As for your shrink, you said:
"All he sees is a snapshot in time, 15 or 20 minutes every month or two, and more often than not, the camouflage is in place."
Same here but I get it with my therapist and I have trouble opening up totally with her too. Though I do open up more than with most people.
Shrinks seem to all be cold shouldered people. All of the one's I've seen are almost always reserved. Must be a psychiatrist thing.
I'm sorry to hear you've had bad luck with the p-docs, HBW. I honestly don't know if their reserved nature with everyone is because they've learned that a cool, calm approach is best when dealing with potentially volatile individuals . . . or if it's the reserved ones who go into psychiatry. (Hmm, wonder if anyone's done a study on that?)
Hang in there with your therapist, they really can do a lot of good. Tough to let a stranger in, I know, but if you find one with whom you "click", it's much easier. Best of luck to you! And if you'd like to continue the conversation off-blog, we can.)
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